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Women can be undermining, unsupportive, bitchy (add you own negative adjective) towards other women.

Is that so? What is your experience?

If you have not done so yet, please find and watch the documentary “Miss Representation” ASAP!

It gives a very good idea of the “urban legend” level of such statements. They do not represent the reality (as per measurable data). It is actually a construct of the media. Most women who have had any level of success in their lives (as professionals, politicians, moms or activists, etc.) want to help other women out.

That being said, in the past few weeks I have been in conversations with working women speaking about other women in a way that could be considered as undermining.

• There was the “women should …” highlighting the idea that the women in the room were not doing it right.

• There was the “I felt the panel’s comment were particularly hard because it was all women.”

• There was the “They make choices that are masculine and can’t be in line with their essence.” (to describe one very professionally driven lady).

• And of course the “I don’t have kids, but if I did, I would…” – again pointing out how the moms in the room had it all wrong.

But when I listened deeply, what they were really saying was: They are doing it differently from me (or from what I believe is right) so they must be wrong.

Then I wondered, how do we know for sure what is right or wrong for someone else? How do we know for sure what is right or wrong for ourselves?

Why can’t we just be OK with other women’s choices or styles?

I am not quite sure, but I believe it has to do with the super-woman complex, with us trying to do-it-right, to be perfect.

And the attachment to right and wrong that comes with it. Because ultimately there can be just one perfect…(or so we think).

There is something very telling that I have read and heard first hand from very successful working moms (the few that make it to the top) during my years with Fortune 100 corporations: at some point they realize that they are not and will never be perfect. They won’t always do it right at home or at work, they won’t always be “there” and they can’t do it all alone (that ‘s what you have teams and family for ;-). What drives them is something else, something personal that has nothing to do with what others think (if it was, none of them would survive the ascent).

And a lot of their success and drive to mentor other women come from that realization. Once you are there –at the point that your choices are about & for you alone, other women’s choices do not affect yours, your own past choices do not drive you. You stop comparing and you are free to soar and to serve.

I had to ask myself, do I do this too? And yes I do, but I’ve become a lot more understanding, supporting and inclusive since I am not striving to have the perfect life anymore. And I make a point at catching myself when I am judging.

Next time you are tempted to say how another woman “should” run her life, ask yourself: How is my attempt at being perfect making me judgmental of my sisters?

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March 2014 Issue