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This Is It.
I warn them, I always do. I tell them right away that I’m a bit of a witch. That I’m hypersensitive, emotional, vulnerable, open, transparent and authentic to the bone. At least as much as humanly possible. And I feel like I enchant them often. And they enchant me back. Because I let them. And then the love flows into the equation, like a raging waterfall. And we swim in it together, and we explore it, embrace it, and get curious about it. And then someone gets afraid. Because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to do.
I recently met someone while I was traveling. We had an absolutely adorable meet cute, and it was followed by one of the most meaningful exchanges of words that I’ve ever had. For the first time in a very long time, I had this incredible penpal. He meant so much to me. We were thousands of miles apart, and millions of worlds and words away and yet I felt so close, connected, respected, adored, intrigued and supported and supportive of him. It truly felt like I had made a really good friend, and maybe even more. That was yet to be determined.
I was very open about myself, my life, my love affairs, my dreams, photographs- all of me. I didn’t really hold back. Maybe it really was too much too soon. But, I don’t live in a world of too much. I live in a world of, I do what feels like the right thing at the right moment. And it felt so right for me to share so much, at exactly the right pace. Until it didn’t.
And then there was a miscommunication, as it happens in life. Words were shared, feelings too, assumptions were made, and judgment too. And then it all ended so abruptly.
I feel like because I shared so deeply, so quickly and with not enough context, I sort of shot myself in the foot. And I’m sad, because in sharing, I scared away an incredible person who I loved sharing with. A soulmate of sorts. And this has me thinking about whether I can reframe this whole experience?
Elizabeth Gilbert talks about soulmates, and how they’re really not the ones that are meant to stay with us forever, that would be too painful. She says that soulmates are the ones who crack open hearts just a bit, who challenge is and who create space for our growth and evolution. Sometimes they even bring us to our spiritual teachers.
So I’m walking through downtown San Francisco, and my heart feels broken, because I do fall in love fast, and hard, and strong. And I don’t apologize for it, and I don’t think it makes me crazy, or unstable, or anything other than exactly who I said I was. Which is a woman, open to all the love flowing to me, from me and through me.
I could look at this situation, and I could think, okay, share less. Hold back In sharing your love, because you’ll scare them off. Don’t be too much.
But that would be doing a disservice to myself, to those I love, and to those I have yet to love. Because I did not come here to share less and to be afraid, to be less, and to be afraid of the love that pours through me. I came here to be a portal for love and light.
And, at the end of the day, I really have no idea what’s really going on for this other person. What his experience has been, his love, his fear, his life. All I know is who I am, and who I am not, and while it would feel much better in the moment understand exactly why this is happening, I’m learning to just sit with the unknown. To respect, that this is another human on his own journey, and that I love him regardless of whether I’m hurt or not. And I have compassion for both of us right now, because I know that the abrupt ending here is not just hurting me.
And just because something doesn’t last forever, does not mean that it’s not absolutely incredible, beautiful, meaningful.
Thank you to my pen pal. You made me laugh, cry, learn and appreciate these absolutely precious moments of my life. Whatever this was, this is it and it is perfect.
This is dedicated to all those mystical goddesses out there who love so deeply and fully and forcefully. May you continue to be all of you and share all of you in a way that feels healthy, safe and joyful. And may you never apologize for who you are and who you are not. I love all of you, my emotional and open soul sisters.
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