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I’ve been dealing with something for quite some time now. Something is lodged in my throat. It is swelling bigger everyday and I’m finding it hard to swallow, even difficult to breathe. At times I have to force my breath out past this, this… “thing.”

I know what it is. I know there is a way to dislodge it. I’ve become so used to it that I’ve just kept it there so long. Feeling it there, tucked away, where no one else can see it. It makes me feel comfort, it makes me feel safe. But lately, lately, I just can’t ignore it anymore. It’s become the elephant in the room, this thing stuck in my throat.

It’s like I’ve spent my life walking on eggshells tip-toe-ing around, ignoring this thing that has become a big part of me. Making sure this “monster” slept safely, comfortably, quietly – like a parasite, harming no one else but me. Because I know when it wakes, it will be a mighty force.

My monster will put the spotlight on me. It will bring attention, controversy, judgement, confrontation. Everything I’ve so carefully avoided all of my life.  At what cost? What have I missed, tip-toeing around. What places have I not seen? Experiences not had? Life not lived? All because I have this thing stuck in my throat.

This thing is outgrowing my body, and I have no choice left but to get it out. If I don’t I’m afraid it will kill me and I will go to the grave, with this thing stuck in my throat. When I die, I know it will die with me.

Keeping quiet has caused me enough harm already. I know if I let it out it may cause hurt, anger and maybe even disappointment. I’ve kept this secret for so long.

For so long, I ignored this thing. Denial can be so comforting. When you are able to avoid and ignore something, it’s almost like it doesn’t exist. At times, I would make excuses for my little monster and come up with lies to keep it hidden. I even believed these lies myself.

But something has shifted, something has changed. I now have awareness of my dis-ease and I can’t shove it back into hiding.

There is something else… I know this monster, once released will turn into something magical and beautiful. It will grow larger and expand once it leaves the confines of my little soul house. It will become billowy, bright and luminous and spread into the world. It will spread light and hope and inspire change. It will become glitter dust on the cheeks of those that it meets.

And you are the first to get to meet my monster, please say hello to this little demon.

My monster is my VOICE.

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April Issue 2014