You Admire Her. Should You Try to Be Like Her?
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You know those women, who are really busy, doing all the right actions. trying so, so hard, yet just. missing. the. mark?
That was me, for at least 12 solid years of my life.
You know that ZING! factor, as I like to call it?
That mojo or juju or secret sauce that some women seem to ooze out of her pores?
- She expresses herself and you feel her words land with cellular recognition, deep in your body.
- She offers a program and you want in, whatever the price tag.
- You see her with her partner and the love and respect between them is so potent it’s almost palpable (you want to resent her for snagging one of the good ones, but you almost can’t)
- Her body is soft yet strong, powerful and sexy. (and when you ask, she says she doesn’t DO much to keep it that way!)
Whatever that IT is …
…I did NOT have it.
However, for those 12 years, when i would see a woman who had IT, who i admired because she was beautiful and sexy, had an amazing boyfriend, an amazing career or an amazing body .. and i would try to BE LIKE HER.
COPY HER, in essence.
I thought, if i do what she does, speak how she speaks, eat what she eats, maybe i’ll stop being me and morph into her and then i’ll have “IT” too.
Ok, ok … we all know not to try and copy someone else. find the beat of your own drummer inside and get marching and all that.
But here’s where it gets interesting:
We rise or fall, in tune with the company we keep, right?
Clocks, the kinds with pendulums that sway? if you put a bunch of them, each with a different rhythm, in the same room, eventually the pendulums will synch to each other.
We’re talking CLOCKS.
And, as you likely know, women who hang out a lot together tend to get their period at the same time.
So what about studying with a great teacher or a gem of a mentor? you’re often learning practices, outlooks and actions that inform that teacher’s or mentor’s way of BEING.
In learning from others, aren’t we trying to BE LIKE them?
It would seem we are biologically designed to sync up and BE LIKE the people or things around us.
Why did my plan fail for those 12 years? what’s the gray area (of genius!) between COPYING and BEING LIKE someone else?
There are three main keys:
1. Recognize that what you see in them, is already blossoming in you.
the woman or teacher you admire is a shiny mirror of you. you already have whatever it is that you admire in them; you wouldn’t be able to see it otherwise. knowing that has you “come from” a place of already-enough-ness, rather than trying-to-get-ness.
2. Sort for friends, teachers and mentors around whom you feel whole, safe – and kinda like hot shit!
the people who you learn from should definitely have walked the path you want to walk and will show you HOW to do the same, but then (and this is the important bit) they should demand that you take ownership of what you’re learning, digest it, integrate it and make it fully your own. this kind of teacher or mentor isn’t trying to boost their ego with lots of followers or clones. this kind of leader can smell a false facsimile a mile away, and won’t stand for it. this person feels whole and safe themselves. and since they already know their worth, they are not trying to prove it. they already trust themselves (and you), and so, around them, it becomes a no-brainer to trust yourself. (feel free to tweet it) the student SHOULD surpass the teacher. you SHOULD feel like a million bucks around your friends. you SHOULD take the light your mentor ignites in you and burn brighter because of it.
3. Begin and end with consulting your own inner guidance.
the difference between COPYING, BEING LIKE and LEARNING FROM, is all about who (or what) you’re in dialogue with.
Are you consulting your own Inner Knowing or are you looking to find it out and get permission, from “out there?”
Other people’s opinions and good advise are all fine to take (i do it all the time; i’m a big fan of outsourcing!), but do you run it by your own internal compass first – and last?
At the end of the day, who else will KNOW, but you?
Here’s how to start to take it into the testing zone of your life:
With each person you encounter for the next day or so, start to pay attention to how you FEEL when you are in their presence.
Do a quick check-in with your body, heart and mind while in their presence:
Do you like yourself more or less?
Do you feel safe or threatened? Do you feel whole or incomplete and small? Do you feel articulate or tongue-tied? Do you leave them feeling energized or drained?
(this also works for when you’re on the phone or even reading their email.)
For now, just notice how you feel in their presence.
Noticing – and becoming aware like this – is the first step in changing anything.
Eventually, use this body-knowing to help you hang out LESS with those who leave you drained, small and tongue-tied. prioritize learning from folks around whom you feel safe, whole, articulate and just a bit more badass and expressed.
And tell me, how does this post land in your body, heart and mind as you read it? i’d love to know what your inner knowing knows.
Hey LiYana, loved this post, it was serendipitous that I just came across it just as I finished cutting a video blog post about this very topic. You just confirmed it was totally in alignment with what I was to share today. You rock.
great minds think alike!
just exited a relationship for exactly what you state in step #2. I was feeling more challenged than nourished. resonate with every bit of it! <3
ah, Terez, can’t wait to connect with you and dive deep!
Hm.. :)
The first part where you ask how we operate around other great people (let me insert people in the place of woman)… I’d say, ya… Sometimes I feel my confidence drop… sometimes I avoid them too. I don’t copy though. :P
Really, it depends on the person I think. If it is people who, like you mentioned later, are kind of people who aren’t –> “trying to boost their ego with lots of followers or clones. this kind of leader can smell a false facsimile a mile away, and won’t stand for it. this person feels whole and safe themselves. and since they already know their worth, they are not trying to prove it,” then I feel great around them and I gravitate moreso to ask questions and give and receive love! :) That’s the kind of person I step towards being too… :) where my accomplishments and beauty and anything else is open and inviting and sparkling for everyone and not the thing I must talk about to prove myself or to make others feel less.
I guess I appreciate that quote out of your writing so much because when someone is flaunting their accomplishments and needs to talk a lot about how popular and good they are, and how it’s limited only to them, it rubs me the wrong way… Actually, this is jealousy causing… :)
beautiful to hear how this lives for you. this is my favorite bit:
“since they already know their worth, they are not trying to prove it,” then I feel great around them and I gravitate moreso to ask questions and give and receive love! :) That’s the kind of person I step towards being too… :)”
And… as for the last part which I just read now (which is FANTASTIC!!!!) about how to start to take it into the testing zone of your life, omg! It’s great, but a bit scary too… Cuz… that means facing the truth about all the relationships in life!
For example, I’m in a romantic relationship that triggers depression and even jealousy, so, too often I feel bad about myself since I’ve been with him… :( It’s really sad cuz I really like him and I think he really likes me too, but… I think he is insecure about himself a lot… he speaks from that place a lot.. sigh…
thank you for this epic comment(s) rebecca!
Good words to start the day with. Re-reading this and enjoying the insights a second time.