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Sacred Sassy Heroine: This is the everyday goddess within each woman. It is she who harnesses the unfeigned feminine energy that makes you divine. She embraces all-she-is and struts it like she means it. Today is the full moon. This cosmic event serves as a reminder to crack out of your proper exoskeleton and reconnect with the howling sister within. She is sacred. She is sassy. She is YOU. And she is a Heroine.
It’s the first day of my blood, moon time, period, menses, flow, yeah that.
In my mid forties this has started to take on a different mood. Along with the expected heightened emotional spectrum, I now notice an added aching, a deep down in my heart, soul sucking, savoring sort of thing happening.
I’m on the home stretch of my fertility years. There is always that nagging little jabby question, “Have I squandered them?” Was there something else I should’ve done, more breeding perhaps?
Once in my early twenties I read an article mapping our productivity through the lens of leveraging our fertility and “creative” energies. I realize right now as I type how this beguiling lil story has been firmly pressing its fingers into the temple of my mind these last couple of bleeding decades.
We live in the land of Did, of incessant doing. Our metric of success being a system framed in productivity. The soft animal of my being craves simply BEING, as in she doesn’t give a damn about my lists, profits and losses, or my year end goals. She wants to gallop through wide open spaces, sleep under the stars, watch the strawberries ripen, skinny dip in mountain lakes, be cuddled, be made love to, quench the same raw deep primal thirst that pulsed in my ancestors thousands of years ago.
Recently I’ve gone back to my desire map. What is currently stirring inside? The last three years have been about floating in what felt like endless unknowing.
Mystery wasn’t revealing much, even the way of my desires. When I would drop in to find my body compass, and feel what was pulling, is there a specific direction? I’d get a, “Meh, whatevs. Have fun though, K?”
So I’ve been a drifter, back ’n’ forth between SoCal and the Puget Sound almost weekly. A lot of my life happens in airports and planes, far far away from the Earth. But if I made plans or laid roots before now, it would’ve been a self-betrayal. It would’ve been forced and unsustainable. The gift of it I suppose is, I’ve gotten quite good at trusting and being unattached to outcomes.
The strongest beckoning has been to close the computer, shut off my phone, and get outside. Be in the thick trees and ferns of Washington’s wild land. Girl, get your fingers and toes in the dirt! So I keep listening.
Some days I hike, others I just meander. It was on one of those wonderland wanders last week, when a cascade of clarity swept through illuminating my desires. It was eerie and delightful. A gush of specific longings, complete with names, geographical locations, and even timelines were born out thin air. I felt nervous that if I stopped walking the flow would stop, but if I didn’t stop and write it down would all of this coherence fade like a dream?
It didn’t fade. I held onto these pearls, my own crystal ball. The first text that grounded them in written word, was to my husband. A heads up, letting him know shit just got real, in a really good way. I’d anticipated the revealing of my desires to be a little more mature, complex, and sophisticated. Then I remembered they are in fact my own desires, they need not be some haute couture fancy pants splendor.
Try as I have desperately to upgrade my material cravings and I guess the words are “grow up”, my truth remains simple. My greatest moments of joy are in play, a sunrise, warm stones under my bare feet, that sort of thing. Yes if I had all the money in the world I would still drive my little Mazda 2. All of this disclaiming is me stalling, feeling a bit shy to reveal my oh so personal epiphany of desire.
Here it is, with no further ado or undo…
I deeply desire in the marrow of my bones, in the sunrise of my soul to:
- Reclaim Washington as my home
- Build our tiny home in Enumclaw (yeah lil podunk cow town USA.) out of lots of reclaimed goodies, local milled lumber, cob, and whatever else captures my fancy
- Start roller skating (as in my own gear bitches!)
- Keep learning to collage on my computer instead of just scissors and glue
- Explore working with metals, making frames, and interesting jewelry
- Learn contra (with my not yet so dancey husband)
- Do even more public speaking, and facilitation
- Learn to sew
- Mix music
- Make some kind of art every day!
So that’s it, my 10 billion dollar ideas, to do whatever the fuck my sweet little heart desires!
We’d love to hear from YOU…
What do you desire? What is your soul calling you to do on a deep level? Leave your answer in the comments below!